The feature image for this post is an ink scribble about burnout (you can see the full drawing on my art page). It’s been a long while since I’ve worn a tie, but that’s not the point. The point of the piece is the feeling. A few weeks ago I came to a realization. I was burnt. Crispy. Toast. Worn to a nub.
I’d experienced burnout before, but not quite like this. Normally I can force myself to reset by hopping to another project and letting the toasty bit cool off. It’s one of the advantages of having a wide variety of interests. I can kind of play the shell game with them, shuffling my little bead of focus to another shell that’s not quite as charred. (How’s that for a mixed metaphor?)
But that tactic wasn’t available this time. All of my shells seemed to be soot-covered and smoking. There was nothing left. There was no where for the bead to go. No motivation for even the smallest side project. The well had run dry. And I get the feeling that everyone could see it except for me. Holy shit that sucks.
It sucks especially hard because there’s not much anyone else can do about it. Your colleagues can only be patiently disappointed that you’re not delivering at the level that they know you can. Your family can only do their best to remain calm when your frustration manifests as irritability. And your projects… those parts of yourself that have always been there to ground you and stabilize you… they sit locked off like a room full of neglected puppies.
Something had to give. Something had to change. And it did. Two weeks ago, my primary employer decided to dissolve their Director of Marketing role. My role. And there wasn’t another role that I could easily shift over to. I don’t blame them. In fact, they’ve been incredibly gracious and I still consider them friends. But they’ve got their own struggles at the moment and they have to make moves that are the most sensible for their business. They’re some of the best human beings I’ve ever had the pleasure of working with and they deserve enormous success. I’m rooting for them and you should, too.
Of course, that didn’t change the fact that my primary source of income was going away. I explained the situation to my family while I was still processing what had happened. I was nervous. Still in shock. However, this is what open communication and transparency looks like. They seemed to understand. There was concern. A bit of worry. But also a remarkable level of calm. Like I said, I get the feeling everyone else already knew I was burnt out.
And suddenly the whole situation was reframed.
“So that means you’re free now, right?” It was my youngest kid who said that. And it was exactly the kick in the head that I needed.
Don’t get me wrong. I was still toasted. It’s taken the better part of the last two weeks for me get my head [mostly] screwed on straight. Ironically, despite the burnout and the overwhelming lack of motivation, it’s been a real challenge to consciously resist doing. I’m a doer. I do stuff. It’s hard-coded into my very essence. However, if I wanted any hope of taking advantage of that freedom my son spoke about, then I needed to earn it with a proper reset.
So I turned to planning. Scheming. Ideation (holy hell how I loathe that term, but that’s a rant for a different time… and sadly it’s the most apt word in this case). Yes, I know. Those things are not really what you’re supposed to do in a reset or a vacation. I’ve never really been particularly good at vacationing. In any case, it just needed to be different enough from my normal “doer” mode. As far as I can tell, it was also exactly what I needed.
And now? Now I get to put these plans into action. Push forward on all the things. Try new stuff. Stick with what works. Bring back old projects and pursuits that I’d let languish and fade. Shut down anything that hasn’t been working. It’s “go” time.
If I’m being honest with myself (And really, I should be, otherwise what would’ve been the point of going through all of this?), I’m energized and driven—downright excited—in a way that I haven’t been in years. For a long time, I’ve been playing lip service to the notion that all my varied projects and pursuits are big enough and sustainable enough to support my family and I. Now it’s time to put up, or shut up.
Are you curious about what some of those things are? I’ll give you a hint. Most of them are on the front page of this site. Some of them aren’t there yet, but they’re a-brewin’. Of course, if you want more than a hint, let me know. Maybe I’ll tell you. Otherwise, just wait. I’ll show you.